


Goldilock and the three condom size

by Hazelnut_Nala



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Humor, M/M, eren having an existential crisis, levi helping him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 06:43:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3519293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazelnut_Nala/pseuds/Hazelnut_Nala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren had lost a bet once again, but this time, the quest Jean gave him was truly a difficult one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goldilock and the three condom size

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!!  
> So here is a fic I made for my friend birthday and lovely beta [attack-on-ass](http://attack-on-ass.tumblr.com/), thank you for being there, you are awesome.  
> This fic is a little weird and go in some completely crazy shit.
> 
> Please enjoy!

_You can do_ _it_ _._

_You can do it._

_There is nothing to be ashamed of, Eren._

_Everyone has to do it at one point in their lives._

_You go in there, take it, go to the self-check and leave. It's that simple._

_You're careful about it, it shows how_ _mature_ _you are!_ _It should not scare you_ _!_

_Got get 'hem!_

 

That was what my brain had repeated for the past 20 minutes. For the past twenty minutes, I had been pacing in front of Walmart, trying to decide if I was going to enter or not.

I definitely must have been taken for a fucking idiot, being in front of the store for some time.

Fuck Jean and his stupid bet. Seriously! Why?

In fact no, fuck me! Fuck me and my stupid brain that thought I could snatch those Viagra pills from our store manager.

And fuck me for getting caught and thus losing the bet. But I did manage to take one pill between being scolded by the manager and nearly being fired! And you know what’s worse? It wasn't even Viagra! It was some Valium! Some fucking anxiolytic!

And here I was now, in front of Walmart, not ready to have the shame of my life.

 

The sliding door opened before me and I slowly went inside. Warm air brushed my face and I instantly heard the familiar 2000 music. Who the fuck was in charge of the music here? Ho god was that fucking O zone? Were they serious? It should not be allowed to pass  this music.

 

I paced through the aisle, looking for that particular shelf. Canned food, no. Baby product, no. Beauty, no. Wait! At the end of the aisle, after these tampons and razors, maybe it would be there.

_Ho god, here it is. Here I go_ .

I slowly walked to my destination, trying to look as casual as I possibly could.

Which means not  very . I mean, a 22 year old  dude nervously looking through the different pads and tampons, like someone might jump up from behind those super absorbent and sweet-smelled pads to assault him? Not at all suspicious.

After passing the men razor and the deodorant that all smelled like pre-teen after gym class, I finally found them. The source of my problem. My nightmare.

I stopped in front of them, looking at them with determination.

I was going to buy one of those.

 

But shit, there was so many of them? Why? Jean had just told me to buy one, he didn't specify what kind I should take. Well, better take the opportunity to buy it for me. It wasn't like I wasn't going to use them. Hopefully.

 

I looked through all the brand, what each of them offered, the size and “experience” they claimed we'd have.

Why was buying condoms so difficult?

After eyeing them  all , I realized I had one important question I had to answer:

 

_What size_ _is_ _my dick?_

 

See, it's not like I didn't measure it. We all had this phase in middle school where we measured it and compared to the other to see which one had the bigger one. But let's be real, it was nearly ten year ago.

I hoped that my dick had grown a little more since then.

I wasn’t small per say, but I didn't have a massive dick either. I had a normal dick. A standard dick. One you'll find in anatomical book because it's not exceptional.

Or maybe I had a massive dick and I just didn't know it? I mean, the only one I saw was that  wasn't mine, was that  one time at Jean's house and I would prefer to not think about it. He has a small dick by the way.

So, I would say my dick is slightly above average. So medium maybe? Small would be too small obviously. And large, well, too large.

God, I sound like Goldilocks. Is this a remake of Goldilocks? Goldilocks and the Three Size of Condom?

 

“He wanted to take a stroll one day in the mall, when Goldilocks stumbled upon the condom aisle. Being a little horny and not wanting to make a mess, he thought he should put one on.

He first tried the large one, thinking that his dong was surely the dong of the dong, a massive cock that made everybody swoon. What a disappointment when he saw that it was way too big for his dick.

Feeling a little upset and  discouraged , he thought that the small sized one should fit him for his tiny cock, since it was not big enough to fit in the big condom. And what an uncomfortable feeling he experienced when trying to put it on! Obviously his dick didn't fit in there.

So for last resort, he took the medium sized one, thinking that it must be the perfect size. And what a delight when his cock fit perfectly in the condom! It was a pure bliss!

Being happy again Goldilocks started to jack off. But! When he was about to reach the climax, the security guard ran to him, shouting profanities! Goldilocks got scared, ran off, his dick still in his hand.

When he reached home, he swore that, never again he would jack off in a mall”

 

Right. Medium sized it will be.

Now that I had chosen the size, I needed to choose what kind of “experience” I wanted to have. If I ever made use of these that is.

 

“Ecstasy Ultra smooth Lubricant Latex Condom”, _cha cha real smooth._

 

“Intensified Charged Orgasmic Pleasure Lubricant Condom” _Intensified charged orgasmic? Wow, seems like it would be fun!_

 

“Stimulations Ultra Ribbed Spermicidal “, _Spermicidal? Ultra ribbed? Huh, not sure I like the name of this one._

 

“Magnum Fire & Ice Dual Action Lubricant Condom” _Fire and Ice? Who would like to put his dick in a fire? And in the fucking ice? Huh? Maybe it felt nice? How should I know?_

 

“Natural Lamb All Natural Condoms” _Lamb? Like, real lamb? Like the condom we had at the 17_ _th_ _century made of intestine? What? Nope!_

 

“Vibrations Intense Pleasure Vibrating Ring & Condom” _Those have vibrator! Ha, I never new you could do that! Must fell good too! But I'm not sure how it would fell on my dick._

 

“Her Pleasure Ecstasy Ultra smooth Lubricant Condoms” _Her pleasure more like his pleasure. I'll most likely use it one a dude so._

 

So many different feelings, it was hard to choose. I was so engrossed with my choice that I didn't notice the person  approaching the self .

 

“Hey, don't look so hard at them, you're going to make them dry”, a deep and silky voice say to my left.

 

And holy shit, was this man hot.

Small ice blue eyes, as if it was silver, long eyelash, thin eyebrow, small noise and thin lips.

Jet black hair, styled in an undercut neatly parted to the right. It seemed so smooth, I just wanted to let my hand ruffle it to see how he looked with  messy hair . Or what he looked like in after-sex hair, ha, yes, that would work too. He had a pale skin you know, the kind you would say it's as white as an ass.

A bit shorter than me, not much but still shorter. Despite his size I could see through his faded blue shirt that has was really toned. Like, he could probably carry me through the mall and not even be out of breath.

My mouth felt dry. This handsome stranger just saw me looking at these condom like I wanted to murder them. Ho god, why was life so hard? Why couldn't I buy my pack of condoms in peace and quiet?

 

“Huuu, yeah...” very eloquent. Wonderful Jaeger, how smooth!

I felt my face heat up, and my  heart beating in my chest .  L i ke when the teacher catches you talking with you friend and ask you what they just said. You know, when everybody is looking at you, and you don't like that so  y ou turn so red your classmate think you  might d ie. E verybody see it and it doesn't arrange a thing.

The stranger looked me up and down. Damn blush and damn social skill.

 

“Are you going to buy one or what? You've been here for some time now” He approached me and turned to scan trough the condoms. _Come on, you need to talk to him. Make something up, Eren._

 

“Yeah, it's just you know, there are so many options” He glanced at me before taking a box of Ultra Thin Condoms “For Ultra Sensitivity” and inspected it.

 

“First time buying it? Don't you know your size or what?”

 

“What? No! I mean yes!” he peeked at me, raising his eyebrow, “I know my size!”

God damn it! Why was I so awkward? Was it a curse that the entire world would be against me if I ever tried to buy condoms?

He stared at me, before lowering his gaze and staring at my crotch. Wait? Was he staring at my dick? What the fuck!

 

“I'd said you should take medium sized one”, once again I felt my face heat up. It was like I was on fire, you could cook an egg on my face I swear. If it continued like that, I would die because too much blood was in my head.

 

“I knew that already! Did you have to stare at my crotch?”

He chuckled and put the box back on the shelf. He studied  the shelf  a little more before picking up another box, “Intense Sensation Condoms”, then I noticed the size.

Extra Large.

My eyes must have turned the size of the moon right now. Extra Large? How is that even possible?

Now it was my turn to stare at his crotch. How could that fit in these tight pant? Didn't that hurt? What about when he gets boner in public? It must be super huge! Holy fuck, it's everyone’s wet dream. This man was a walking wet dream!

Fuck, he was hot and had a super dong, what more could I ask for?

I'm sure he perform do wonders with it. Yeah, like ice blue eyes looking at you from above while he fucked you till you couldn't speak. Those hand tightening around your hips as he came with your name on his lips.

I felt excitement built up in my lower stomach. Damn, I was getting really hot, and this was no time to pop a boner.

My thought were disturbed when I heard the stranger clear his throat. Shit I didn't notice that I was still looking at his crotch, too deep into my thought, and it was no innocent thought.

 

“Do you want me to turn so you can have a better look?” _Please, kill me now_. It couldn't get worse. “Also, you may want to do something about that” he looked down to my crotch again.

And that was when I realized that while fantasizing about how a night with him, I did in fact pop a boner.

Don't mind what I said earlier. It got worse.

My brain was sort of frozen by now. I was looking at this hot stranger, with an obvious boner and my face must reflect my thoughts and feelings, not to mention how I felt. Dead. I felt dead and completely, utterly horrified.

 

He didn't seems bothered by it a bit thought, he just put the box of condoms in his pannier and looked at the shelf once more picking yet another one.

 

“Here, buy these. They're good” he handed me the box of condoms, but not before writing something on it.

 

When he left I looked at the box “Performax Intense Ribbed Dotted Condoms with Delay Lubricant”, I then noticed what he wrote,

 

“I can show you how to use them.

Levi XX-XX-XX-XX-XX”

 

 

 

~**~

 

 

Later that day, Jean received a snapchat from Eren.

It was of him grinning, a box of condom in the hand with a note on it.

 

“I got the condoms and a date, who's the loser now?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [levis-diddly-dong](http://levis-diddly-dong.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
